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Im still not sure what I've done, I may have ruined the best thing that ever happened to me or I have made the right decision and it will prove that way in the end. There is no way to tell and whats done is done. I keep telling myself that over and over recently, that its done and theres nothing i can do. I dont know how i feel right now i havent known how i've felt for a while now. It used to be that i was almost empty and without any feeling but this past week i've felt every emotion that i've ever known, except for happy, i have really been happy yet. I started sad, then miserable, then she kept trying to get back together with me and i started to get angry, we both knew it was coming why would she make it so hard on me, just because im the one that finally did it, doesnt make me the bad guy but thats how i get treated, like none of this has effected me whatsoever. I've spent every night of the past week crying for at least an hour, and why? because this is the hardest thing ive ever had to do. what hurt the most though is the fact that the night i ended things she went out drinking and stayed the night with three guys, now im not saying anything happened i know nothing probably happened that night, but the next day, to come over to my house and start arguing with me as to why we should get back together after doing that, wrong way to go. I know that you were probably going for the whole jealousy thing and making me realize how much i love you but i already knew how much i loved you and then to go and get drunk again with the same guys that night i didnt get jealous i just felt pure anger. I felt pure anger for almost 3 days straight and coudlnt get it out of me. And then the middle of the week seemed to be getting better, during the days at least, i felt like i might be able to do this and get over it. But every night i came home alone and went to bed alone and cried. While she went to other peoples houses drank and laughed with friends and erasing me completely from her memory as quickly as she could. I will still stick by the choice that ive made simply because i know deep down inside that no matter how miserable i am now it had to be done. I did it for both of us, we wont change our ways we cant no matter how much you say things could have worked. We were wearing ourselves to the point at which we would have started not only resenting each other but actually hating each other. and you may not realize this but i have been taking this extremely hard and its not that i dont want to talk to you that i havent called you or anything it was that i was waiting, waiting to see how you would act without me, what you would say, what you would do. And ive read everthing youve typed everything youve said about me and i ignored those things and hoped that deep down inside you knew they werent true but i didnt say anything because i figured id let you tell yourself those things in order to get over me easier. But the more I wait and see your final reactions the more i realize you actually meant the things youve typed, the way you've acted, i was a filler for you, a guy that you could be with until you found someone to marry because thats all that you're waiting for is someone to marry you. I dont regret any bit of the 9 and a half months that i was with you because it has taught me alot about myself and about relationships. And i keep writing this using the word "you" because i know that my ex-girlfriend will be the first to probably read this and if not she will eventually unless she has gotten to the point where she absolutely doesnt care. I dont know how much longer it will be until my feelings somewhat normalize, although i dont know what normal is anymore. I finally watched across the universe and i will agree somewhat with the few people that have told me i look like jude, but besides that i spent half the movie in tears because its all one big love story and i dont know im just unstable right now. I havent even written in this thing since like half way through my relationship and i did just now because i figured it would relieve alot of my stress somehow but its barely keeping me from crying, and it doesnt help that i keep falling asleep listening to beatles songs.What im listening to...: The Beatles |
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My ranting to Mallory in response to her post earlier today:
So you obviously posted this knowing that I would see it, which is really immature because on the phone with you yesterday I asked you if you had suspicions and you said nothing then. And for your information I have NEVER deleted anything from my mini-feed and why would i give a rats ass if you know that i wrote on melanies wall? and I guess its true what they say about when people tell a story they always make themselve seem like the good guy, i never changed or moved anything around on your profile and you know it, the only thing i did was go through and look at all the recent emails from anders mainly because i dont like the kid but also because i knew you still had feelings there. But you know what the whole construing of the truth doesnt bother me, its the fact that you suspect im hiding something, what the hell do i have to hide??? well what is it that you are so convinced Im hiding from you? If you really think I'm hiding something then tell me TO MY FACE, call mike, andrew, megan, anyone you want, I'll give you all my passwords to everything. But if you're still going to accuse me of nothing then tell me because thats one thing I wont deal with...I'm sick of this bullshit of you thinking I dont care about you, Im and close personal person...I have shitty communications skills and i told you this when we first started talking, which if you can remember is why for those 4 hour conversation night you were the one doing the talking for 3 hours and 55 min while i talked for about 5.How do you think i feel...:  infuriated |
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Why can't i ever just find a good girl that i can really truly love and spend a ton of time with, is it really that much to ask for? 90% of guys ask for girls that they can just have sex with, all i want is something good something that will last. Everytime i seem to find someone that i think it will work out, they either end up being psycho, super slutty, or just plain fucked up. i guess this is the reason why ive only had one girlfriend, i don't like to settle for just the cute one, or oh shes cool, i have to look for the one that i could see myself still with in 20 years or at least 10. and its so hard to find that one, and when i do, they always chose a guy totally worse than me. First it happened to me with lauren, she chose her druggie, jailbird boyfriend and never talked to me, then it happened at southern with athena i got cheated on for a fuckin jewish cheerleader, i mean i dont hate jews but that just hurts, im still so pissed off about that one by the way. But yea all this looking and still i've found no one, and what happens when i stop looking even less, then i dont even get any action. im starting to believe that im destined to be best friends with my right hand forever. haha i know that sounds really sexually selfish but i meant it in that way that ill never find my special someone. why do i have to be so fuckin easily attached. any girl i like even a little bit i attach myself to just because i have such a thirst for love, i try to make every girl i like love me, and its never gonna work because love has to be natural and i know this but for some reason i still try. yea i really dont know what struck me to write this but i just felt it and i didnt know what else to do and i was already on line so yea, the latest thing ive tried doing is turning to myspace, hopefully i can meet a halfway decent girl on there and who knows then again i might yet meet the girl of my dreams, but my hopes are definitely not up. i mean im no innocent child either but once i find out that they're like not innocent i look at them differently and is still dont know why. oh well i just hope i cna start finding some girls i can really like, maybe i should head out to the country more or find some nice wisconsin or montana girl. anyways peace out guys.How do you think i feel...: irate What im listening to...: Blink 182- stay together for the kids |
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Wow i havent written in here in a long ass time, but here goes.
Alright basically i am at the stage where i have three main options, one i can talk with my moms boyfriend (RICH) and see what the hell his problem is with me. Two-i move out, find my own place. Three- he moves out, me and my mom and sis then have to move cuz he pays half the rent. And i really dont want to talk to him cuz he is a complete ass and if he has a problem he should have brought it up to me and talked to me not just act like a dick. But basically the story goes, hes been treating me like shit mainly because i got trashed at my uncles wedding but i mean come on im 18 in college and its a free open bar what does anyone expect, i mean everyone there knew i was drinking. But for the past week ive been grounded and he doesnt even talk to me or look at me and whenever i do anything wrong he says the most asinine comments that totally piss me off. saturday him and my mom were at his brothers house for a little get together so i was home from like 6 to 11 alone and i had gone for a little drive and parked in the driveway when i got back, when they got back at 11 he walked in the door and was like, "YOU DONT PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY" and just walked away, so i moved my car and just sat there for a while, then albert came by to borrow a sleeping pad cuz he was gonna meet a bunch of people for camping and then out of knowwhere i just decided to go with, so i packed up and went to the indiana dunes at 11 on sat. then on sunday morning yea definitely went swimming in lake michigan and the water was only like 40 degrees, eh im stupid but what are ya gonna do.How do you think i feel...:  indescribable What im listening to...: Alkaline Trio-Radio |
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The more i get to thinking, the more i realize that i dont function well without someone else in my life, and its really hard for me to find someone new because i am so damn picky. But there is one out there now that i really like, dont know how things will go or how they will end up, truth is, i dont want to get too close because since im leaving in a month i dont really want either one of us to get hurt. it makes me happy to talk to her though. i just wish i knew how she really felt about me...
well i started back at work today, first time in 4 months woo hoo, it wasnt too bad, just takes some getting used to, i still have all the aisles memorized, haha.
i wanted to go drink or maybe chief tonight but neither ended up happening, i got home at 10, called someone, was amazed they were sleeping, and then tried callin more people like 30 min later and they were all either sleeping too or about to go to sleep, what the hell is wrong with everyone.
Hopefully when me and albert go to galyans tomorrow morning ill get a new snowboard and boots, i need one badly, i just want to go snowboarding soo bad. i think thats the one thing that would cheer me up right about now, either that, or spending some time with someone.How do you think i feel...:  way down there What im listening to...: Alkaline Trio-Radio |
| » Yea life kinda sucks, but it kinda dont |
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So yea last night, or early yesterday morning, whatever, that sucked. I took the cab over to dougs house, and by the time i fuckin got there, everyone was gone except for like joe, doug, damien, dougs brother and his friends. The beer was gone too, can you believe that, i had like maybe 2 if that, plus joe was drunk and getting pissed off at christina for no apparent reason, just because he wanted to. So christina gave me and joe a ride back to my house and i made joe stay over because his mom woulda been pissed to see him drunk and we needed to talk. So my mom knew he was drunk and thats cool cuz she was drunk too, then ontop of the 2 beers i had at dougs i had about 3 or 4 more that i snuck from my fridge, plus joe gave me about 6 or 7 shots of his uv blue, so i had a pretty good buzz goin. so yea i woke up at like 11 and i drove joe home, then i came back, ate some food, hung up some icicle lights and then passed the fuck out again. i woke up again at like 5 and i jumped in the shower, then i ate some pizza and then watched a little football with rich and wayne. ah fuck all this typing is hurting my fuckin wrists. so yea after the shower, oh wait actually i didnt take the shower until like 630 and then i got out and called joanna because she called while i was in the shower, so she was coming over in like 10 minutes so we could go to marthas, meanwhile i stood outside like a dumbass and had a cigarette, and guess what, my fuckin hair froze solid. i was laughin my ass off and at the same time it was bitterly fuckin cold as well. so we go there and the first band totally sucked, but the second band was amazing, so much better than rmlm. Anyways, marthas was pretty fun overall even though the bands kinda sucked. and yea, i got home and theres nothing to do, oo so bored. well until tomorow everyone....
Dec. 20th, 2004 @ 12:50 am
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| » I'm Back |
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Well i got back yesterday at like 745, and it was a long ass drive as usual. I'm not having the best of weeks as most of you know if ive talked to you. First of all its finals week, which i dont think im prepared for at all. I know im gonna get an a in my weight and balance class, but i totally fucked up my instruments test, and hopefully my english grade is a c because it would totally suck to have to retake it. And on top of it all my roommate i guess doesnt like me and decided he wants to move out, and go across the fuckin hall, whats the point in that? So it doesnt matter though cuz i found this other kid on my floor who is cooler and hes moving in, but like wednesday my roommate decided to tell me that he couldnt give me a ride home, and its really hard to find a ride home 2 days before the dorms close. so i ended up getting a ride from this guy shawn and hes pretty cool, ill probably hang out with him during break a few times. well so far home sucks, although like 5 minutes after i got home al came by and we went to go see oceans twelve with his little bro. then today was pretty cool, i did the lights outside, then we all went to get a christmas tree, my moms still decorating it now, and ofcourse shes drunk. after we got the tree i went over to the community center and hung out at the concert, that was fun, i got to hang out with joanna for the first time in like a year and a half, shes pretty hot, hopefully i get to spend alot more time with her this month. Hit the lights was amazing as usual, and the junior varsity is getting so good its unbelievable. well joe just called me like a 30 minutes ago telling me to go out, i really want to because i bet everyone is there, but its so far and i dont have a ride, plus i dont have money for a cab, this really sucks, ooo yes i just got money im takin a cab to dougs, i am soooo getting trashed. LATER!!!!!!
Dec. 19th, 2004 @ 01:06 am
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